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Allowing the Grief... of Missing Me

For those of you who don’t know me, I’ve generally seen myself as the ‘positive one’, or the cheerleader of others. I am the person who listens to what you are feeling and then looks for a way forward to all that could be possible. I see the flaw in myself now. I was always uncomfortable when others were hurting, so I wanted to be the Uplifter. If I ever left you behind in your moments of doubt and fear, know that I love you and I am so sorry for that. I am finally hearing differently now.

These past few weeks, I have felt my own sense of loss, while also craving to just be heard. My brain has kept me up all hours of the night trying to find a logical reason for it so I can justify these feelings. I mean, what justification do I have? No one in my family has been directly impacted by the virus, but I try to rationalize by asking myself if I am feeling sadness for the hundreds of thousands who have been impacted?

Then I coupled that with feeling ashamed for hurting. Facebook has a way of perpetuating shame for me. Reminding me to not complain, but to remember that my family is safe. I have a job. I am getting exactly what I wanted for years; the opportunity to work from home and spend more time with my children. I am not on the frontlines. So, what excuse do I possibly have to feel bad?

Yet, for weeks my heart feels as if it is breaking. Every day is a rollercoaster of emotions, from relief and regret to anger and peacefulness. But one overarching emotion still lingers like a cloud over the others… Grief. When I finally gave myself over to it and gave myself permission to just feel it without a logical story to make it make sense, I felt a sense of calm. And this morning, clarity washed over me.

I immediately called my best friend, Christina, to share what came up. I was grieving the loss of the Me that I have always known. She agreed. This is what she is feeling too. We often talk about being ‘present in each moment’ and I thought that I had practiced that the past few years, but this overwhelming sense of loss indicates otherwise. I have spent most of my life being future-focused and goal-oriented. Even being present in the moment simply meant “what do I need to do now to get to where I want to be later?” Whether it was a future vacation, a new coaching client, the completion of the next degree, helping my children to the next grade, a birthday celebration, an anniversary, a new job or even the meeting/event at work I needed to plan… I was always looking to the future until the future felt like it was swept out from under me.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been left feeling uncertain about what the next day holds as we navigate this new way of being during a pandemic, much less where we will be in 6 months. I know for certain that things can never go back, and I feel optimistic about what they can be, but the inability to “see” or plan for it is uncomfortable to me. And so, I am grieving that woman I’ve been for so long. I think that’s okay. I am telling myself it is. I am not judging her for ‘being her’ all those years. In my mind I am holding her close, hugging her and thanking her for all that she taught me. I am crying with her and for her as I emerge into someone new. Someone who asks ‘How are you feeling right now… in this very moment.” But I am not forcing that emergence. I am just letting it be whatever it will be and I am allowing myself to feel the loss of that part of me that loves to plan. I am hoping that the Me that I was and the Me that I am becoming will emerge on other side of this as a beautifully balanced woman who is okay with not always being ‘okay’, but who surrenders to the whatever I am feeling in each moment with a foundation of Knowing that every experience is perfect as it is.

For now, I am off sit quietly with the woman in my heart who led me here. She is loved, but she is tired. I think I’ll let her rest now.

1 comment

1 Comment

Incredibly beautiful "aha" moment of deep awakening. It is absolutely true that we are constantly shedding "me"'s, and with this virus interrupting so many parts of our collective reality and individual reality we are seeing a shedding of many layers of deeply conditioned ideas of who we are. We are collectively and individually coming home to us, the being before the roles before the labels, titles and such. Coming home can be both exhausting and exhilarating, liberating. Feel I to it, love yourself through it. So beautfiul, thank you for sharing this moment of your expansion with us. Love and light to you today!

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